We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
