it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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