So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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