My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
