Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
