Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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