Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
it was like eating out sand paper
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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