I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just puked most of my soul out..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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