I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
sarcasm needs its own font
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
