I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
