Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
