Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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