It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
