god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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