I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
