your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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