Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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