All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
