Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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