Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i love accidental penises.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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