Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
