i just wanna soil my oats bro
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This toilet bowl is my home.
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