Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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