Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
