I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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