Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize