It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
