bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
