no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
...so i touched it.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
