you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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