So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
