It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize