i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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