when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
