I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
