I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
