I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
