Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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