Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
