If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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