I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she looked like the before picture.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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