if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
