Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
