I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
