I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
