I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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