booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize