the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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