They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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