ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
