I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's blow job season.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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