I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
