No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
