You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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