He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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