you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
