last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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