just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
