There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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