I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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