return my video game
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
