Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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