saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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