TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
